This is one of those “if I had a nickel for every time I’ve…” posts.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve come home and one of my neighbors — most often, the one featured in the photograph — has left their trash sitting on their front step, I could probably just bank it and retire and give up this school nonsense.

If your trash is so stinky that you can’t bear to have it inside for one more second, what makes you think your neighbors want that bag sitting on the steps for everyone else to smell?

Or are you really so incredibly lazy that you can only take your trash to the dumpster in stages? Because, yes, I know… it’s s-u-u-u-u-uch a lo-o-o-o-o-o-ong way to the dumpster from your doorstep.

No, they don’t limit this white trash (ha!) behavior to the wintertime, when at least the outdoors acts like a kind of refrigerator. No, they do it in the summer as well, and since our stoops aren’t covered, that’s a long time for smelly refuse to simmer and ripen in the sun.

If anyone has a logical, sociological explanation for leaving your trash on your doorstep for hours (or, yes, days) at a time instead of just throwing it the fuck out… please leave it in the comments. I’d really like to know.

So yesterday I noted how the majority of 2011′s movie releases were unoriginal (i.e., “crap”), yet still somehow profitable. Today I came across an article at EW.com listing the TV series in development for 2012 and… well…

NBC entertainment chairman Robert Greenblatt said, “We had a really bad Fall.” Sorry to say, but looking at his network’s potential series, things don’t look like they’ll improve much. On any of the networks. Doesn’t anyone have an original idea anymore?

The Rifleman (CBS) — A retread of a 1950s Western series. What was the last successful Western series? Probably Gunsmoke, more than 40 years ago. Most of the people who watched the first go-around of The Rifleman are in their 70s or 80s today. Doesn’t seem like a very profitable demographic for CBS to pursue.

Source Code (CBS) — An adaptation of last year’s very good sci-fi thriller that will have zero appeal to those seniors. The twisty plot was fun the first time around, but I can’t see it being anything other than annoying after the 23rd episode/reiteration.

Anger Management (FX) — An adaptation of an eight year-old Stiller/DeNiro comedy, starring lovable industry favorite Charlie Sheen. This might last one season, since it’s on FX, but it will be “is that still on?” by the second.

Under the Dome (Showtime) — A serial adaptation of Stephen King’s 2009 novel about a town — yes — under a dome. Trapped characters, shadow conspiracy, on-going mythology… Lost-redux, anyone?

Hannibal (NBC) — One hears lots of complaints about television these days; that there aren’t enough cannibal serial killers headlining a major network isn’t one of them. Can a sanitized version of The Silence of the Lambs hero (?) lure the Dexter contingent to NBC? Let’s say… No.

Frankenstein (NBC) — Clearly the big lug has never been given a proper chance on television, having only been adapted for the small screen a freakin’ seven times — in 1981, 1984, 1987, 1992, 2004 — twice! — and 2007. Oh yes, we definitely need another one. (And that’s not counting another seven times it’s appeared on the movie screen.)

Bewitched (CBS) — Apparently the (crappy) 2004 movie version didn’t properly dishonor the Elizabeth Montgomery classic, so the Geriatric Channel gives it another go. EW described this as Harry Potter meets Desperate Housewives, and could anything sound more dreadful?

Romancing the Stone (NBC) — Oh. Yes, this sounds more dreadful. A serial version of an 27 year-old classic romance. How many stones are there to find, anyway?

Valley of the Dolls (NBC) — What made the 1966 book and movie scandalous can now be seen regularly on ABC Family, but that won’t derail another TV attempt to capture the swinging 60s because… well… Pan Am and The Playboy Club were so successful last year, weren’t they?

The Munsters (NBC) — A retread of a just-plain-stupid 1960s “horror” “comedy” that forever sullied the reputations of its old-school movie-star cast. In the wake of true TV horror like True Blood and American Horror Story, how can this possibly work? What’s next, The Addams Family? Oh damn, I totally didn’t say that out loud.

The Flintstones (Fox) — Leave it to the tastemasters at Fox to shit on our childhood TV memories of ”Wilmaaaaaaaa!” and “Yabba-dabba-doo!” No, the original Flintstones wasn’t exactly Shakespeare, but who can’t sing the theme song from memory? Will Seth McFarlane turn Bam Bam into a sociopath like Stewie? Will Dino… shudder… talk?

Consider the millions and millions and millions of dollars that will be wasted on these projects — all of which will flop, mark my words — and it’s easy to see why fans of cancelled, original shows like Firefly and Arrested Development remain bitter to this day.

A sad fact to end our look at 2011′s movies.

How many of the Top 50 Movies of 2011 were completely original ideas, and how many were retreads, remakes or sequels?

Not Original: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Kung Fu Panda 2, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Fast Five, The Hangover Part II, The Smurfs, Cars 2, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, X-Men: First Class, Puss in Boots, The Green Hornet, Green Lantern, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, The Help, Johnny English Reborn, Final Destination 5, Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, Cowboys & Aliens, The Three Musketeers, Paranormal Activity 3, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked, The Muppets, Limitless, Real Steel, Moneyball (31)

Original: Rio, Bridesmaids, Super 8, Rango, Bad Teacher, Just Go With It*, Battle Los Angeles, Young Adult, Horrible Bosses, Hop, Gnomeo & Juliet, Crazy, Stupid, Love, Immortals, Zookeeper*, Tower Heist, Contagion, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never*, Dolphin Tale, Jack and Jill* (19)

America, do you wonder why Hollywood keeps regurgitating the same unoriginal, unimaginative ideas?

It’s because you keep paying to see them!

Stop it. Or stop complaining.

On the other hand, the people complaining are probably those that mostly went to see the second group, and the people who don’t give a shit are those who saw the first group. In which case we’re screwed.

*I can’t tell you how pathetic it is that Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Justin Bieber are responsible for twenty percent of the “original” films.

I don’t claim to have seen every movie that came out last year, or even most of the movies (too expensive and audiences are annoying). I can’t designate anything “the best,” since I haven’t necessarily seen “the rest.” Instead, these are just the Most [Insert Accolade Here] movies that I saw last year. Hopefully you’ll get some enjoyment out of them or, at the least, some good recommendations.

Most Impressive Torso: Appropriately, this goes to a god: Thor, embodied (heh heh) by Chris Hemsworth. Runner-Up: Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love. Hey girl, I’d love to Photoshop those abs. Up close.

Most Enjoyably Unintentional Remake of E.T.: Super 8, which surprisingly replicated much of E.T.’s charm and retro appeal. The alien, however, was even uglier and, seriously, E.T. was fugly. I’d have screamed too, Drew.

Most Bittersweet Romance: Weekend. Sexy, funny and sad all at the same time.

Most Enjoyable Overlooked Film: Source Code. I can’t say much without spoiling some tidy twists. Let’s just say that the movie you think you’re about to see is not the movie you’ll end up seeing. And that’s a good thing.

Most Special Effects: Way more impressive than any of the movie’s alien nonsense, this goes to Daniel Craig’s bubblicious, leather-wrapped ass in Cowboys and Aliens. Just turn around and walk away from the camera for an hour and a half. Thank you.

Most Enjoyable Onscreen Chemistry: Matt Damon and Emily Blunt in The Adjustment Bureau, a modest puzzler worth seeing for their wicked flirting. Runners-Up: Tom Cullen and Chris New in Weekend.

Most Enjoyably British Alien Movie: Attack the Block, which starts off a little dodgey and unlikeable but earns its street cred by the end. Killer aliens. Literally.

Most Painful Remake: Footloose. Stop fucking with my childhood, Hollywood.

Most Surprisingly Not-Painful Remake: Fright Night. And speaking of which…

Most Seductive Vampire: No, not that anemic, scrawny Edward. This goes to sexy beast Colin Farrell in the Fright Night remake, mostly for how he wears that wife-beater tee.

Most High Profile Movie That I Have Totally Forgotten Already: Scream 4. Seriously, I can hardly remember a thing about it. Something about a webcam? I dunno.

Most Effective Reminder that Helen Mirren is Still a Badass: The Debt. Jessica Chastain may play the same character as a young woman, but wait for the last 15 minutes and tell me who kicks more ass. At age 66.

Most Confusing Movie Getting Serious Award Attention: The Tree of Life. Sibling rivalry. Non-linear structure. Meaningful gazes at nothing in particular. The Big Bang. Brad Pitt being a jerk. Dinosaurs. Yeah. Whatever. Pretty to look at, though.

Most Egregious Misuse of Alan Tudyk: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. Not that it’s a bad film, but he’s so much better than this. Bring back Wash!

Most Egregious Underuse of a Sidekick: Liza Lapira in Crazy, Stupid, Love. Her brief screentime as Emma Stone’s bestie was too brief. Give this woman her own movie.

Most Appropriate Double Feature for Second Amendment Fanatics: Hobo With a Shotgun and Machine Gun Preacher.

Most Hormone-Inducing Triple Feature: The Ides of March, Drive, and Crazy, Stupid, Love. Because… Ryan Gosling. Duh. However…

Most Horrifying Onscreen Death: Ryan Gosling’s elevator kill in Drive will scar you for life. Hey girl, my shoes are a mess.

Most Enjoyable Onscreen Death: Gwyneth Paltrow in Contagion. It hardly qualifies as a spoiler since she’s dead within the first five minutes.

Most Horrifying Non-Horror Movie: Contagion. It’s cold, clinical, scientifically sound, and scary as shit. You’ll be stocking up on hand sanitizer.

Most Ingenious Movie Poster: The Ides of March. As a (former) designer, I gotta say this thing is brilliant. Arresting image, clever use of type, and conveys the plot. Outstanding.

Most Confusing Title: No One Killed Jessica. Then what’s the movie about?

Most Misleading Title: 30 Minutes or Less, which had a running time of 83 minutes.

Most Obvious Typo: Because I Don’t Know How She Does It clearly should have been I Don’t Know Why She Does It.

As I do every year — mostly for my own amusement, I think — I’ve broken down the Oscar nominations as they would appear if they were determined solely by box office popularity (in other words, like The People’s Choice Awards).

Films were chosen from the top 25 moneymakers of the year*, and I tried to stay within the first five or ten films as long as possible. What this tells us — as if it needed repeating — is that the gap between quality of critical notices and quantity of Americans plunking down their dollars is a large as ever.

Among the top 25 money-making films, only one is getting any serious Oscar talk at all, and that’s Bridesmaids. That film’s screenplay and supporting player Melissa McCarthy might actually sneak onto the Oscar list. None of the other films currently getting awards attention cracked the top 25; The Help currently sits at number 26.

Here are the nominees and, since there’s no sense in prolonging the suspense, the winner — determined by highest box office figure — is in blue. Yep, pretty much a Harry Potter sweep. Congratulations, everyone… I guess.

BEST PICTURE
Fast Five
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

BEST ACTOR
Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Vin Diesel, Fast Five
Shia LaBoeuf, Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

BEST ACTRESS
Jennifer Aniston, Just Go With It
Cameron Diaz, Bad Teacher
Natalie Portman, Thor
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Caesar the Ape, Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover Part II
Rupert Grint, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Paul Walker, Fast Five

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Jordana Brewster, Fast Five
Rose Byrne, X-Men: First Class
Penelope Cruz, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Emma Watson, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

*Determined by WorldwideBoxoffice.com as of 1/5/12

Ladies and gents, I give you a vision of television that — thanks to NBC’s cowardly lack of imagination — you’ll never see.

Battlestar Galactica’s Ron Moore fashioned his pilot for 17th Precinct to be something akin to Harry Potter, CSI. Well, without most of the kids. This is a version of San Francisco — here called Exelsior — in which science, per se, does not exist. This world is instead ruled by magic, power is supplied by plants, news travels by imprinting smoke, and necromancers interrogate the recently deceased to determine cause of death.

Two recommendations: One, put aside any lingering resentment you have over the feeble and soul-crushing way Moore ended the mostly amazing Galactica. You’ll need to do so in order to fully enjoy the return of three — yes, three! — Battlestar cast members. Jamie Bamber and James Callis are two cops on the magical police force; Callis retains his sexy accent while Bamber, as on Battlestar, replaces his with a generic American drone. Boo. Tricia Helfer, sans Six’s blonde wig, casts spells as the head medical necromancer.

My second recommendation is to please set aside 40 minutes and watch this pilot. You’ll be glad you did, if only to appreciate that there are actually a few people out there trying (and, yes, failing) to get something original and imaginative on television. You not only get a new world vision — magic as the force of good, and science as the villain* — you also get Stockard Channing (in the Mary McDonnell role) as a veteran detective chewing the mystical scenery.

Just imagine…  the millions of dollars sunk into the now-cancelled The Playboy Club, Law & Order: Los Angeles, and Prime Suspect were instead combined for one single season of 17th Precinct. Imagine a television executive actually sweeping the proposals for those doomed projects from his desk and swearing, “Goddammit, why would I waste good money on more of the same old crap, when I could give people something new instead?”

Nice fantasy, wasn’t it? Okay, stop imagining and go watch 17th Precinct, before NBC pulls it from Vimeo in shame over their lack of creative vision. (Keep in mind this is a rough cut, with time codes still in place and a few sound sync issues here and there.)

Here’s an io9 post from last April with more info about the show. And I totally typed “Harry Potter, CSI” before I read that article, so I did not copy it. Really.

*Hmmm, kinda sounds like the recent Republican presidential debates.

It’s difficult to get me to invest in a new TV series. You can trace that directly back to Fox’s legendary fumbling of Firefly — truncated season shown out of order, for chrissake — which not only chased me away from any new Fox series, but made me wary of acquainting myself with new shows in general.

When American Horror Story appeared on the fall schedule on FX (so thankful that “o” is missing), I decided to give it a chance. It wasn’t on Fox. It was limited to a short, 12-episode season, so chances of early cancellation were minimal. And it was a horror story, for cryin’ out loud. When was the last time we had a really great horror series on television?* No, I’m not counting any of the Kardashian twaddle.

So, last night was the season 1 finale of American Horror Story and, without going into details or major spoilers, it ended on a pretty obvious cliffhanger — a murderous little tyke whose name might as well be Damien, and a surrogate parent wondering, “What am I going to do with you?” Sounds like a question that needs to be answered next season, right? Wrong.

Today, showrunner Ryan Murphy announced (here and here) that season 2 of AHS will not have the same cast, theme or even location (the articles say the sets have already been razed). He said,  ”It’s a really fun idea to do an anthology show. That’s the way it was designed from the beginning. Every season, there will be a new haunting and we’ll have a new overriding theme.”

Maybe “really fun” for you, Ryan. But I spent twelve weeks investing in one set of characters, one story, one setting, and one theme, and no one told me that was all a fucking waste of time because I didn’t know it was a fucking anthology!

Murphy should have let his potential audience know what they are getting into before they invested, not afterwards. His decision to make this ballsy announcement the morning after the season finale, and the almost gleeful tone of his sound bites, makes it clear he’s quite impressed with himself. Oh Ryan, you’re such a sneaky smarty pants.

Part of the fun of AHS was trying to figure out where this looney show would go in coming episodes and seasons. Now that subplots will never be resolved, plotholes will never be filled**, characters will be left hanging, and Jessica Lange may or may not return (and even if she does it will be as a different character)… what is supposed to lure me back for season 2?

By next fall there will be a new slate of shows vying for my attention, and I’ll keep being as picky as I was before. The odds are not good that I’ll return to a show that took me for a (yes, often fun) ride but dumped me painfully on my ass at the end.

Still — speaking of ass — we did get lots of nekkid from Dylan McDermott (right). So there was that.

*I’m not counting The Walking Dead because it’s on premium cable, nor The Vampire Diaries because it’s kind of a comedy/horror/teen mash-up. Take a look at this list and see what you think (I’m putting The X-Files in the sci-fi category).

**What happened to that exterminator’s truck? Why couldn’t Connie get her hair done for three whole years? Does the home appraiser never check the crawlspace before the house goes up for sale? Where do the ghosts get their endless wardrobes? What kind of fun will everyone have next Halloween? Will anyone ever dig up that gazebo? Who is Connie’s fourth kid? I could go on.

ETA: 12/22/11 — This article confirms much of what we speculated, not making me any more sold on a brand new season 2, especially the news that Jessica Lange will not, in fact, return. Boo.

We’re sorry, but the life you are leading is currently on hold. Please check back on January 9th to resume service.

Really, that’s what it feels like right now. I’ve been “on hold” for 47 days – wait, 47 DAYS?!?! — and holy crap am I bored. Boredboredbored. That’s why I haven’t posted in a while, because there’s freaking nothing to post.

“Dear Blog, today I slept in again, drank coffee again, moped around the house aimlessly moving a few items from here to there, snacked a little, possibly did a load of laundry, might have watched a movie, played on Second Life, played in a poker tournament which I might or might not have won, had insomnia and fell asleep on the couch at 3am, got up at 4am and went to bed. At which point this narrative repeats itself. The end.”

Yep, that’s pretty much it. I started this period of rejuvenation with a To Do List. It’s now a Been Done List.

As far as school goes, I have bought my books and actually read one of them already*. I had promised myself that I would use this time to at least do some preliminary work on my speeches for Speech 101 (ugh) but my lack of enthusiasm for that class (ugh) is hampering my ability to come up with any usable topics. (While I know what the categories of speeches will be, I don’t know what the required lengths will be, so that’s a problem too.) But mostly, it’s just my laziness and attitude (ugh) toward the class that are the hurdles.

I could be going to movies every day, and shopping my heart out, except… those things cost money, which is now Something To Be Hoarded At All Costs. So my entertainment options are severely limited. It also slipped my mind for a while that I could be working on a certain screenplay, if not for the fact that no one has read it and therefore I have no feedback to work with. Also, I got a brainstorm that would change several major plot points from about the midway point on, and that’s more than a little daunting.

Jeez, why am I going back to school for a degree? Clearly I already have one. In Whining.

Queror, ergo sum.

*Don’t be too impressed — it’s for my History of Mexican Culture class, and it’s a novel, not a textbook, which is about as weird as the novel itself was. Well written, yes, but I’m not sure how it will be applied to a history class. To be continued, I guess.

I’m filing this endeavor under “Learning Experiences” and just moving on. If you read all the progressive entries on this project (and if you did, I apologize) you’ll quite quickly see that the finished product didn’t turn out at all like I had planned.

In short, the method I attempted to provide a crackly, marble-like finish — crumpled newspapers to lift of a layer of glaze — just didn’t work for me. I’m sure there’s a spiffy trick to getting that impressive faux appearance shown in my reference book, but I couldn’t master it. Or even approximate it.

In the end, I ended up dropping $10 for a sea sponge (seriously? for a sponge? have you priced sponges, even normal ones, lately? why are sponges so expensive? are they endangered? how can synthetic sponges be endangered? but I digress). This is the stage at which I started using the sponge to dab on layers and layers and layers of differently colored paint glaze.

At this point the steps aren’t important, because I sure as hell wouldn’t recommend this as a How-To. Eventually I just decided, Enough, and here’s the finished table:

At right is a close-up of the texture (click to enlarge). Not exactly where I was originally headed, eh? Oh well.

Like I said, learning experience. I need to pick smaller projects.

As of this past Sunday, I’ve been officially unemployed and in an existential holding pattern for a month. It’s true, time does fly when you’re having fun. Or, at the very least, not doing something that makes you miserable.

So, what have I accomplished in the last month?

• Took a week to get my natural sleep pattern back and actually feel rested again
• Cleaned and eliminated 10 years’ of accumulated whatsit from my second bedroom/study closet
• Rearranged said second bedroom/study to prepare for schoolwork
• Cleaned and eliminated 10 years’ of accumulated whatsit from the downstairs closet
• Started a power walking routine just in time for the outdoor temperature to drop into the 30s
• Weeded out three bags of too-small clothes for Goodwill
• Weeded out one bag of old movies on VHS for Goodwill
• Somehow lost my natural sleep pattern and battled insomnia for no discernable reason
• Caught up on seven episodes of The Closer in one sitting, and enjoyed it
• Am in the process of completing last years’ Persons Unknown, and am still on the fence about it
• Watched the British mini-series Apparitions, and mostly liked it
• Spent many afternoons napping with Dru
• Put plastic over the windows to prepare for another Illinois winter
• Caught the following on Netflix, and enjoyed them: Cave of Forgotten Dreams, Tangled, Skew, Lunopolis, The Peacemaker
• Caught the following on Netflix, and wish I had those hours back: Chillerama, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, Nemesis Game
• Rolled over my old 401(k) and opened a CD to help with next year’s income
• Tried and mostly failed to do a faux finish on my crappy dining room table
• Am spending days without my finger splint, to start loosening up my healed (?) torn tendon (thanks for the pep talk, Dr. Fig)

Well, put in a nice list like that it looks like I’ve been busier than it feels (though I guess sitting on the couch watching TV doesn’t really qualify as “busy”).

I’ve been acutely feeling the loss of socializing that work, with all its unpleasantries, does provide. In short, I’m getting lonely a lot. Having Dru around helps — however, that’s still, you know, talking to your cat. Not exactly helpful socialization.

I do still have a few things on my to-do list that need tending to during the next few weeks. How weird is it that I’m actually looking forward to school starting — not just for the new beginning and all, but just to have something to do every day?